The Betrayal (part 3)

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I wasn’t sure of where I was running to then, but now, I think I was running from myself. From my guilt, from my shame, from the look in His eyes. That look that said “I already forgave you before you did it”, the look filled with pain and love in equal measures. The farther I ran, the worse I felt. I soon got tired so I decided to hide instead of running. I found a little enclosure between two rocks and I squeezed in, curling myself into a tight ball.
    I began to weep. I still couldn’t believe I had betrayed my Lord. As I wept, I thought about all His teaching about His love and forgiveness. Somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to accept that forgiveness. I felt I had done the unthinkable.
     Still, I couldn’t take my mind off that look. The more I thought of it, the more I realised why I couldn’t forgive myself. I felt I couldn’t have denied Him because I was too righteous to have. Now that I’d done it, I couldn’t forgive myself because I felt I didn’t deserve forgiveness. I felt like I should have been better, should have been stronger because I was the most righteous. I realised that all these while, it had been all about me. And I failed woefully for making it all about me, when it should have been all about Him.
     With that I passed out, into a deep sorrowful slumber I fell,  for while I was running I heard he’ll be taken to pliate tomorrow.  No one ever escapes pilate;the man who mingled the blood of the Galilaeans with sacrifice.
     Tomorrow, my master, my friend, my Savior, would most likely die and the last interaction we had, was one of betrayal.

The betrayal part of 2

Part 2
I warmed myself close to the fire in the courtyard while the priests deliberated his fate inside. I could see him from my distance. I couldn’t quite read His facial expression but He stood so quietly, like a lamb who knew it’s death was imminent. Their fingers kept pointing in accusation, He remained silent.

  Just then, a servant girl walked past staring at me as she did. I became apprehensive because the stare seemed to me to be like that of recognition. Then, she opened her mouth and spilled those foul words while pointing at me: “he’s one of Jesus’ followers”. My heart skipped right into my mouth and without thinking I blurted out “woman, I don’t even know him!”

Luckily that shut her up. Not long after, another nosey man spoke up,  saying the very same thing as the maid, this time, I was even more vehement in my reply: “I do not know that man”. It worked. He kept quiet. In fact, the night seemed to get even more quiet at that point.

About an hour later, someone else got up and vehemently insisted saying ” Surely, this must be one of them, he’s from Galilee too “. Now in a blind fear-filled rage, I said “I do not know what you’re talking about”.

Immediately, I heard the most horrific sounding crow a rooster could muster. And from that distance, I saw him turn and his eyes met mine.  My knees buckled, I felt my heart bleed as tears blinded my eyes, I tried to choke back the tears but I just couldn’t. Then my whole life with him flashed before my eyes. I couldn’t believe he was right, I couldn’t believe that I actually did it. I didn’t just deny Him, I did so thrice. I ran away to be alone,  I had just denied my friend, my master, my teacher, I denied him tonight, just as He said that I would… But I didn’t believe Him then, till I saw it happen,till I made it happen.

The betrayal (part one)

“Peter before the cock crows,  you’ll deny me three times”.

“No Lord, how can I, don’t you remember how we met? You requested for my boat and I obliged you,  when you were done with my boat, You caused me to have a great catch but I left it all and followed you.  How can I deny you now? We’ve been friends all these years. You taught, I listened,  you’ve met my wife,  healed my mother in-law you’ve even eaten in my house, You even gave me a new name. How can I deny You now?
    When you talked about eating flesh and drinking blood and many deserted you,  I stuck with you I remained,  I told you I’ve left all to follow you. How can you say I’ll deny you now? Don’t forget I was the one that said you’re the son of God, when others called you just a prophet and you confirmed it was God that spoke through me.  How can you say I’ll deny you now?

Lord, for three whole years,  I’ve been with you. In cities, in the desert, in the temple, even on the sea. Lord, I was the one who stepped out of the boat to meet you on the sea. I walked on the sea, Lord, because I love and trust you so much. Though I feared at some point and began to sink… but at least I was the one who trusted you enough to step out. I’ve been proud being around you, for once, I have never denied you.  How can you say I’ll deny you now?”

“Peter, all you’ve said is true. I know you love me, but the truth remains that tonight,  you’ll deny me three times.”

In the garden we prayed,  from a distance they came,  Judas and a mob.  A kiss on the cheek and the guards laid hold of him. At this point, I was so afraid. I thought about my dear wife. I didn’t want her to be widowed this early. I thought I should go home to her right then, but, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t abandon my Lord. So I I decided to fight for Him. I drew my sword and with a quick slice, an ear hit the ground. Just then, I looked at him and our eyes met. And I spoke to him with that look. And I am very sure He understood. I said “Look, Jesus I didn’t deny you, I fought for you, I love you, I cannot deny you.”

But I was surprised that the look He gave me was neither one of approval nor of pride. He bent, picked up the ear, carefully dusted it and reattached it. It healed instantly. After that, they took Him away. I followed, I couldn’t abandon my Lord, so I followed, but from a distance. I didn’t deny him that night. I can never deny my Lord.